I have no sense of belonging, to anyone or to anything. I will return to only you but in the meantime, I’m a lost nomadic orchid in a deserted urban landscape. If perhaps I did have a magnetic pull, I would not be disoriented upon waking and my mind would not be filled with nonsense. Dazed, I lie afraid of blurred indistinguishable shapes, a long few moments and I tell myself I am here. I lose the will to live, I close my eyelids, I choose to recluse, material happiness is worthless and the spiritual eludes me still.
The world is long, empty, aimless, pointless, I am beginning to wonder if maybe I am the missing piece in the puzzle, rather than you. Since you have been absent for six thousand days, I have placed so much emphasis on you perhaps that has been the mistake of my lifetime. I should have concentrated on me because between life and futility, there is drawn a thin veil. I am given knowledge and fragile transparent ribbon is snipped, invisibly slicking and licking, I see beyond sight, I live forever in darkness. Once I knew the stark truth, my mind was overcome with blank, shrouded, blackness. I should have used it instead of trying to wipe it away with those little white pills. Red, blue, mix them, and you have purple.
I should feel enlightened, but I feel helpless. Every emotion I experience is not so real and vivid, carbon copy of a previous time. Each peak is merely a repeated pigment of cyclical misadventure which means less and less on each round. Every word uttered from strange lips is the same Word spoken from each before, and perhaps each to come. Losing faith in you, in your concept, in your being. Too long waiting for you. I reject your existence. You are lost somewhere and blind, but still, I live in hope but I have lost all reason to dream.
Living in a bubble floating high across the skies, voices curl and flicker like polluting fuming plumes double-helixing high. I saw Saturn in the early hours with ellipsing rings criss-crossing, and Litten, a tigery fireball, in amongst the billions of stars, each fully aligned. I stood in awe and never knew such peace, I hold the image with me, a photograph inside my heart yet the vision awaits me. I saw an entire universe in daylight in your hand and his, unrequited love requited, held by his love and your kiss.