And there she goes…

It was another ordinary day, another ordinary evening.  Finally, the clock smiled and beamed 1700HRS from the office wall, the working day was over.  Time for some play.  I managed to walk across to the car park without any calamity occurring, which by itself is a small miracle as I have the luck of a bad penny.

Usually, I tempt fate by skipping across the dual carriageway as a shortcut to the underground car park entrance.  But today, Lady Luck was content with me.  It was not even raining, it was a lovely warm early Autumn evening.

After passing happy greetings with my baby car, I sat in the driver’s seat, inhaled deeply reflecting on the day’s events.  Exhale.  And remnants of scattered shadows were thrown into the dark car park ether, a mini-meditation in a Mini Cooper.  Good times.

I drove home without any accidents or near-misses, which is also quite unusual as generally other drivers attempt severing my life at all given rush-hour opportunity, I must be giving karma positive vibes with my optimism.

Finally reaching home, I even found a car park space right outside of my house (usually double and forty-five degree angled parking makes life a fiery hell, leaving me to abandon my car on the main road which is a good ten minute walk away).

Opening my front door with my house-keys that were in my purse, this is a relevant observation as I am usually keen to leave the keys on my office desk just to spice up the day a little.  Bliss.  I walked through to the kitchen, and relaxed.  I ate a very ripe speckled banana and gathered together my kit for my daily gym session.

I had been training everyday for nearly eighteen months, I was a dedicated health and fitness fan inclusive of good eating of which the secret is controlling portion size and reducing sugar and fat intakes.  If I did not have my daily dose of cardiovascular exercise, I would literally bounce off the walls looking for ways of expending energy.

My amazing nameless health club and fitness centre was set against a backdrop of landscaped gardens and luscious greenery, offering a stylish, spacious, and wonderful exercise environment (usually the brochure lies, but this is in actual fact, fact!).  Truly, a great all-round gym.

After changing into my three-quarter-length pants and sports-vest, I jumped on to the treadmill and warmed up my muscles with a gentle walk and a power walk building up to a steady-paced jog for 30 minutes.  Breather, and hydration from the water fountain.

Next up, rowing for 10 minutes, cycling for 10 minutes and then 15 minutes on the treadclimber (all whilst watching Eastenders – did I not mention the total marvellousness of this gym).  The calories were burning off into the air-conditioned open indoor space, enjoying every second.

To work the core, another half hour was spent on weights to tone my abdomen, thighs, calves and arms before I sauntered across to the power-plate machines in a separate room.  This area had the ambience of a spa resort with ever-changing dim coloured lighting and heavenly-not-over-cheesy-chilled-out music.  A warm-down that stretches and tones muscles.  What more could I ask for at this point?

Woo-hoo!  I was done.  Time for the best part of my routine, in my mind I foresaw the activities mapped out as if it was a constellation of stars.  Jacuzzi, indoor sauna, jacuzzi, outdoor sauna, cold plunge pool, indoor steam room, bucket drench, jacuzzi.

Smiling from the inside at the exhilarating relaxation I was about to bestow upon myself, I retreated to the locker area and changed into my bright red-and-white halter neck bikini (bought on a sizzling holiday in the hottest summer a few months before, it was my favourite bikini, and darn, it was the first time in my life I could say I had a favourite bikini), had a quick shower leaving my body refreshed and mind at ease.

Making my way down to the pool area in bare-feet, carefully climbing down the wet and of course hygienically cleaned and bleached white staircase, through the glazed doors, past the indoor sauna and spa room on my left hand side with the indoor pool and steam-room on my right-hand side, I placed my towel on the ‘sun’-chair by the second set of glazed double doors leading to the outdoor log-cabin style steam sauna and pools.

I glanced through the doors and saw the evening had come into darkness and rain had soaked the wooden decking which was dimly lit with ground-set spotlights.  I could hardly contain myself with the thought of the steamy log-cabin later which was by far the pinnacle period of chill-time.

Scoping the indoor pool, I paddled into a space.  It was always a good mix of males and females, but tonight the females were not in abundance.  I was the only one, but I was not going to let this faze me.  After my tough workout this evening, I thoroughly deserved my me-time.

I swam over to the jacuzzi and let the water rush into my neck and shoulders, gently pushing and ebbing at my now relaxed muscles ignoring any glances coming my way (being independently confident enough to frequent the gym by myself without the support of girlfriends or significant other even though I am actually self-conscious and paranoid half naked – which girl isn’t, unless of course you have the mental stability of a glamour model).

I emerged from the pool and opened the door to the indoor sauna room, absorbing the hotness like rays from the Caribbean sun.  The wooden benching was arranged like a giant four-step staircase and I sat at the top, the hottest point, and let my mind wander into white sandy beaches and emerald green seas.

After a while, when I could no longer breathe after succumbing to that uncomfortable few minutes where you think Shall-I-go-shall-I-stay-OK-it’s-time-to-go,I departed and jumped into the indoor pool.  Time for the outdoor steam sauna I was cooing in my mind noticing the pool had suddenly become a little overcrowded with bodies.  I climbed out pretend nonchalantly knowing eyes were on me, walked towards the glazed doors and stepped through to the decking.

The chill was only mild but light precipitation was still falling and I wanted to be in the steam sauna room immediately.  My foot laid itself on the decking Oooh be careful it’s a little slippery,I said to myself, I will be fine said another voice, It’s only a bit of water and the decking is rough wood for grip not laminate for skid advised another voicethoughts in my head within split seconds rather than a full-blown internal monologue.

A few more seconds and I would be at my destination, except I was trying to reach my destination a little too hurriedly.  Without warning and not even knowing how, my foot unbalanced itself (yes, my foot likes to do this to me at the most inopportune moments) and I slipped from the decking landing into the bark-covered area on my left hand side, on my ass, back flat on the soft, damp chipping.

O.H. M.Y. G.O.D.

Earth-please-god-oh-lord-let-nobody-have-witnessed-the-sheer-shame-and-wont-you-let-the-ground-open-up-and-swallow-me-whole-r.i.g.h.t.-n.o.w!

HA! said the original voice, I told you to be careful, doesn’t that serve you right?!

Although it was dark, my face was burning as bright and deep as radioactive beetroot bypassing the usual tomato hues of mortification.  My internal image of me picked herself up, brushed herself down, turned to the glazed doors and waved to the hysterically laughing onlookers, smiling to them Bahahaha aren’t I the comedian yes I’m fine hahaha…you have that on camera, send me the replay!

The real me picked herself up, was too embarrassed to properly brush herself down and practically ninja jumped into the log-cabin like lightning to escape the gleeful onlookers and only picked off the pieces of bark from legs, arms, back, abs and not so bright red coloured bikini whilst sitting inside said log-cabin on the top seating where no eyes could find her.

I was seething contempt at karma and my own impatient stupidity for drowning me in the humiliation of the most exaggerated rightly-melodramatic public moment of my life, Karma, I much prefer the small tokens of private sporadic embarrassments you cause me throughout the day, please return to standard karmic quotas with immediate effect.

Needless to say, I stayed in the log-cabin for as long as I could possibly bear, well-being and thighs slightly bruised, but intact.

[Featured as Guest Post on Medzooma]

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