I found this rather amusing rant from last Summer, please remain seated with an oxygen tank as there is no punctuation, it would seem I was not a happy bunny much…!

I’ve just visited my branch and set up new landlord details for the direct debit – I tried to cancel the one arranged for Mystic Meg but it’s not yet on the system (the other mandate sent at exactamundo the same time has mysteriously been added to the system already and both prospective mandates belong to accounts at the same banking institution) so now I have to keep checking with the bank every few days to make sure the one I want to cancel is cancelled as if it does get activated at some point I will be paying out two lots of rent.

P.L.U.S with the branch and the unhelpful telephone operative (would you like my name to be Jane Smith so you can find my existence in your financial database after spelling my first name and my surname phonetically TWICE like I’m a Detective Chief Inspector and having you repeat it back to me like I would lie about my own aliveness how can you not locate me how can you think you are speaking with someone who does not exist as obviously I do as you are speaking to me on the telephone I have two accounts with your sorry bank and your porpoise robot machine has just swallowed my plastic piece of paradise so no I don’t have my account number to hand or my sort code and sorry are you paying my phone bill as well Miss Douchebag shove your 08457 number up your Nationwide stealing incompetent as* I would be able to tell you my bank balance should I still be in possession of the man-made being that allows me to gain that information) telling me my PIN for my new card was supposed to be the same as my old one C.L.E.A.R.L.Y it wasn’t because R2D2 just ate the plastic piece of sh*t and hence why I am trying to have some sort of coherent conversation with you without having a mental breakdown and order a new PIN AND new card not wanting to speak to you for the last fifteen minutes in an attempt to find out that I am I (which I knew already as I have been I for the last thirty years sorry did you say you were going to reimburse the cost of this telephone call?) because after my wallet grew accustomed and formed a special friendship with the blue plastic shield to suddenly be kidnapped by Dalek’s mini-me is soul destroying for the Ted Baker leatherhead.

Needless to say my bank is not my most favourite place at the moment.

What a menstrual monstrosity.

ink is free, so...

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